Marty: A Tragedy
I don’t know what it is about fictional characters named Marty. They always seem to remind me of myself. In the 1955 movie Marty, the title character, played by Ernest Borgnine, laments the fact that he’s never had a girlfriend, exclaiming “I’m just a fat little man! A fat, ugly man!” That was my personal motto for a while.

The other example is more recent. One of my favorite TV shows, Gilmore Girls, has a minor recurring character named Marty, one of the first people Rory ever met at Yale. Throughout the fourth and fifth seasons of the show, he serves as Rory’s token male friend and is often seen sitting around in her suite. We learn very little about him – his biological dad is actually his uncle, he works as a bartender, and that’s pretty much it. I’ve been thinking a lot about Marty lately. I fear he’s a warning directed at me, and one that I must heed.

In the first half of the fifth season, several hints are dropped that Marty would like to be more than just Rory’s friend. He feels embarrassed when cocky rich boy Logan Huntzberger insults him in front of her, and later asks her if she has a boyfriend. Now, I should say that I can’t blame Marty for digging Rory. If I went to college with her, I’d have a crush on her. And I can’t shake the feeling that the end result would be much the same for me as it is for Marty.

In his final appearance so far - Episode 102, “Jews and Chinese Food” - we learned that Marty loves the Marx Brothers, just like I do. Rory asks him to watch Duck Soup (my all-time favorite movie. Really!) with her, and when he shows up at her dorm room, she’s wearing a Harpo wig and hat. I feel this bears repeating – the smartest, funniest, and most attractive girl he knows asks him to watch Duck Soup, and dresses up as Harpo for the occasion. I can only dream of such a thing happening to me. How often I actually do dream of that will have to be left up to your imagination.

Things go great at the Rory/Marty Marx Brothers-fest until Logan shows up and wants Rory to go gallivanting around town with him and his spoiled rich friends. Marty goes along, but feels awkward and out-of-place the entire time. As the episode ends, Marty tells Rory how he feels about her. She says she likes Logan, but they’re still friends and can finish Duck Soup if he wants. Marty declines, and actually says the words “I really like Duck Soup, and I don’t want to associate it with this particular day.” He goes home feeling dejected and Rory makes out with Logan on her bed. The end.

Watching this episode nearly made my head explode. Right there on the screen was exactly the reason I’ve been entirely unable to express my feelings for any girl ever. This is exactly what I’ve always been afraid of. The Marx Brothers fan, who by all accounts is a nice guy and a “good friend”, doesn’t get the girl. The smug preppy does. And Duck Soup will have negative connotations for the Marx Brothers fan for the rest of his life. All my life, I’ve been worried that crap like that would happen to me if I ever actually worked up the nerve to ask someone out.

I don’t know if it would actually work out for me like it does for Marty, but it certainly isn’t a good sign. So thanks, episode writer Daniel Palladino, for shattering my self-confidence into thousands of tiny pieces. Thanks a heap.